Feminists across the nation are up in arms about the sexist language in the IRS tax code. “The patriarchal language found in the tax code is egregious and offensive,” says local tax accountant Brenda Polshik. “The consistent use of the word ‘he’ just shows how behind the field of taxation is in gender reform.”
“Women pay taxes too,” says College of Charleston Finance major Kat Smythe. “The code reads like household tips from a 1940s men’s magazine. Ridiculous.”
The male-oriented rhetoric of the IRS tax code is a notable issue. With the number of American women in the workforce nearly tripling since the early 20th century, the IRS needs to adjust its reach to include this new wage-earning demographic.
Even former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton chimed in via phone with The Swamp Fox. “This is one of the most important issues the United States faces today,” she said, fervently slamming her fists on her desk. “If I am elected as President, the first thing I will do is fix the language of the tax code. American women need to know that they are represented in every capacity.”
The American tax code is not a short read, coming in at nearly four million words. This number surpasses all of the top three most verbose works in the English language combined, including Scientology creator L. Ron Hubbard’s “Mission Earth” which cashes in at a measly 1.2 million words. Or, if you would prefer lame fairy tales to stimulating page-turners like the IRS tax code, the code is nearly four times as long as the Harry Potter series in its entirety. This monumental work of art is so influential that it takes 6 billion hours per year for tax payers to comply with its doctrines. That’s the equivalent of 8,758 lifetimes. Long story short (a characteristic the tax code with never exemplify, thank God), the tax code is the summer read that never ends. If only it weren’t sexist.
“Everyone loves a good read,” says Accounting major Ashley Walker. “Sometimes I just want to sit down and spend the afternoon plowing through 10,000 plus pages of IRS tax code regulations. How am I supposed to do that when every other line is sexist garbage? It makes the tax code so…impersonal.”
John Koskinen, commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service, was very open to the idea of sexism reform in the government’s most necessary institution. “I think I speak for all Americans when I say this,” Koskinen said, “but I am very open to making taxation more relatable to women. The opportunity to bleed people dry of their hard earned income should be open to every gender, and the language in the tax code should reflect that.”
Taxation may be the only thing save death that is guaranteed in life, but at least it will no longer be sexist.
“I am very glad to hear that my colleagues at the IRS are joining the ranks of sexism reform,” Death said in an exclusive interview. “It took them since the dawn of human history, but I’m glad we’re finally on the same page.”